Hallomas - Wha?

I love the holidays. There, I said it. I love Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. I love the smells, the lights, the Christmas trees, presents under the tree, Midnight Mass, singing the songs and counting down to midnight of a New Year.

What I don't like is the blurring of the holiday lines. That the holidays have been corrupted by retailers and them deciding when the Christmas season begins - the day after Halloween I believe it seems to be. That a time for family and friends is now a time for spending money.

I want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving. A day to spend with my family where I can be reminded of all I have been given and how thankful I need and should be. And then enjoy advent - the period leading up the Christmas. Then Christmas Eve and then Christmas. And in my faith, Christmas doesn't end on Dec. 26 but continues into January. And then it's New Years Eve and New Years. Each day is special in itself.

And that's what I think is a serious problem how we as people seem to wish away days. I can't wait until this or that. When the kid can walk or talk, when they are in kindergarten, when I lose weight, when I get a promotion, when I get a job, when I get married...etc. We need to enjoy each day as you don't get to do it twice. And by starting Christmas at Halloween I think it's a form of wishing days away.

So folks, enjoy each day. Don't wish it away. Every day is special. You can never get it back.

One Step Forward

Americans don't like to wait - for anything. We love fast food, fast cars, express lanes, 10-minute hair color, instant-read thermometers, quick oil changes and instant mash potatoes. This is also true when it comes to making changes in our lives. We want immediate results.
I've struggled with my weight for years. I don't think I was ever a skinny person. Always what one could call plump and increasing to obese in my adult years. It look me a while to get to where I was. I know that it will take a while to get to a more normal size.
I'm being realistic.
I am re-learning about eating and changing my relationship with it. Learning that exercise can be fun and rewarding and how to integrate moving more throughout my day. Whether it is gardening, cleaning house, taking a walk during my lunch hour, or even dancing around the house while listening to music.
I'm down from my all-time high 46 1/2 pounds and then I stagnated for a year. Now I've renewed my commitment.
I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, but I am working to make sure I am smaller than I am now. And most important that I won't gain it back - ever. By eating whole foods, prepared in delicious and healthy ways and moving more. Really it is simple. It's me making a choice and sticking with it.

Ups and Downs and In Betweens

2009 hasn't been my best year.
It started well. I had hopes of a promotion, financially we were starting to turn the corner and I was slowly, but consistently losing weight.
All of that changed on February 11 when I was laid-off from my job. I spiraled down into a depression as my unemployment continued into May and then June and into the beginning of July. I didn't know what to do. I finally got a job in July, thank goodness due of the kindness of an old friend who needed help. It's not my dream job, I don't get to write, but it's helping to pay the bills.
You'd think all the extra time I had on my hands I would have had the chance to lose even more weight and get my house in order. None of that happened. I stagnated and my house remained a mess. I'm pretty sure it was denial. It was easier to hide behind my computer and watch afternoon talk shows.
I haven't written on my blog for a long time because I didn't think I had anything to say. Everytime I started, I deleted it because it was consistently depressing and had a whiny tone so I just stopped trying.
Recently I've had an upswing, by my choice. I've accepted a leadership position at church over a new committee. I've started projects around the house and exercise is making a come-back.
I've decided it's time to stop letting my circumstances rule my life and to be thankful for all I do have - A strong and happy marriage,a great family, friends I can count on, a home to come home to, food on my table, my health and a future.
So welcome back to Sarah Says...I have a lot to say.

Trying to Write..

I'm feeling all out of practice. I haven't written anything outside of cover letters since June. I'm trying to write a simple one-page explainer for the parish council at my church. My lede is great and then it putters out as I continue. Something that should be so simple is proving to be really hard.

I'm worried. Worried that I'm losing what I worked really hard over the past few years to craft to learn. I feel like I'm losing that creative side.

Some may thing I'm being dramatic. I don't. These are valid feelings. I just don't like knowing where or how I'm moving forward in the future. I'm just feel like I'm losing myself little by little.

Saying Goodbye to a Friend

Today I said goodbye to an old friend. I've know Patti since I was in middle school. She says that she helped me open my locker in gym, I don't remember when we met, only that she was easily my best friend. We spent hours together on the phone, sleeping over at each others homes, talking about crushes, singing, dancing, telling each other our hopes and dreams - everything.

After high school we kinda lost track of each other. We saw each other every now and again. Finally we hooked up again and I met the woman she fell in love with.

Now she is moving out west with her wife and I have to say I'm sad. This is the person I grew up with. Whom I shared so many memories. But she is starting her life anew in a new state and I hope her the best. I also hope that when our finances get back on track we can visit her in Colorado.

So Patti, here's to you and all the great memories. Thank you for being my friend.

Excuses and more excuses

It's amazing how many excuses a person can come up with not to do something that is difficult. I'm tired, it's too hot outside, I'll look funny, I don't own a sports bra, it will make me uncomfortable and think about bad memories and I can re-start the diet tomorrow.

It seems like that's been my life for the past few years. A bunch of excuses why I hadn't advanced further in my career, why my weight-loss plateaued at 45 pounds,why my garage is still over-flowing with crap, my my closets are overflowing with crap and why I have done nothing to my backyard in five years.

I'm tired of excuses.

I'm tired of people asking me what's new and having very little to report. I'm tired of saying to myself tonight I'm going to..or this weekend I'm going to..and nothing coming of it.

At the end of my life I don't want to be saying if only I had done that. I want to do that. Life is too short. I plan to actually live the one I've got and live it well.

A Great Day for Up

Last Sunday I saw the movie Up. I haven't been to the theater in a long time and it was a real treat.

It was fantastic. Not a children's movie at all, but for me it hit me in a place deep down. I really think you are exposed to things at specific times for a reason. And it was the right time for me to see this movie.

A couple gets married, enjoys life and gets ready to move onto the next step, children. We find out that children aren't in the cards for them and they continue to move on. A childhood dream of the wife is to visit Paradise Falls, somewhere in South America. Due to circumstances they don't make it. After she dies, the man decides it is his mission to go there to live that dream for them.

The movie is about living your life to the fullest, no matter what life brings you, even if it isn't what you or society believes it should be.

As a women in her mid-30s I can feel that. Children haven't happened for me and my husband and may never. While around me babies are being born left and right to family, friends and acquaintances. This is deeply painful. And with no health insurance at this time and no extra money, infertility treatments and adoption are out of the question. And to hear people ask you when you are having kids or hearing them announce they are pregnant can wound deeply. But you have to smile and move on.

I have started coming to terms with living my life to the fullest with or without children. And I have to stop waiting around and be active in my life to bring more meaning to it in other ways. To figure out what God wants for me. So I've been asked to join the Parish Council at my church, a leadership role, and I've accepted. I'll paint the spare room whatever color I want because pink or blue might not be in the cards. I'll take care of my health because I want to live and live well. I'll spoil the children born around me because it's right. And I'll be sensitive to others who are dreaming of children but haven't achieved it. Because it's a personal thing and no one has the right to make you feel unworthy, less of a woman or a man. And it's not about them, it's about you and your adventures in life.