Saturday, March 19, 2011

Now I Get to Complain a Little

There's so much to do but I don't know how.

That seems to be the theme of my life. Things haven't gone the way I would have planned as I was preparing to get married 10 years ago. I don't have the children I hoped for. We aren't any where near being financially secure. The house is in dire need of repairs we can't afford and I am making less than I was 2 years ago.

I look around and there's so much to do but I don't know how to fix any of it. With the job market in the toilet here in Central Florida I'm ecstatic I have a job let alone one that pays better. The same goes for my hubby. While he's succeeding more at poker, he hasn't had the break-through yet that would help us. So the houses problems wait. The roof, the cracking exterior, the peeling paint, the kitchen, bathrooms, the back yard full of weeds rather than plants - it stays.

And when you reach my age you should be getting fertility treatments - but there's no funds for that. And what money is there to adopt, as if an agency would approve us.

Frustration. Most of my friends have their families complete, they are on the rise financially. Doing projects, going on trips.

I know this is a lot of bitching and I really do have plenty to be greatful for. I have a loving husband. A great family and some great friends. I am employed. And I have taken leadership roles within my church that has helped me connect with others and given me lots to do. I do have a home, food to eat and other creature comforts that makes me look rich compared to many around the world.

But there are those nagging thoughts in my brain. When are things going to work out? So I can stop spending my Saturdays puttering around my house alone because there's no money to do projects and I don't want to use expensive gas to get out. Will I ever have children? Or will be I that old lady doating on everyone elses kids?

So much to do and I still don't know how.

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