Create Something - But What?

For a long time I have felt deep within that I should be creating something. But I never knew what. Like there was a story somewhere deep inside waiting for me to find it and free it.

I still feel that way and I still don't know what that story is or how to get it out.

One of my earliest creative memories was from elementary school. I wrote a short story and illustrated it. I believe it was about Halloween, it had a black construction paper cover. I know I did well and it was ready to a larger group at school.

I bring this up because this I seem to find ways to do assignments (school or work) but when it comes to my personal writing I'll start something and then find out it's not what I thought and toss it to the side. And then something else will come up and I'll do the same.

How do I get my stories out? I don't even know where to start. Do I just keep writing hoping one of them will be the one? I honestly don't know how to move forward.

Anyone else have this feeling/problem? How do I create when I don't know what I'm supposed to be creating?

Be Still

I find myself running from one activity to the next all the time. From work, church meetings, family and friends to household duties. There seems to be rare occasion when I am still. Without the TV or computer occupying me or my nose deep in a book or other item. To just sit back and enjoy the beauty of this world. To listen and to take in the many smells. Empty you mind from all the worries that occupy us most of the time.

So I'm off to enjoy the sights and sounds of this lovely Spring night in central Florida. The balmy breeze and a bright moon.

Wonderful.

Now I Get to Complain a Little

There's so much to do but I don't know how.

That seems to be the theme of my life. Things haven't gone the way I would have planned as I was preparing to get married 10 years ago. I don't have the children I hoped for. We aren't any where near being financially secure. The house is in dire need of repairs we can't afford and I am making less than I was 2 years ago.

I look around and there's so much to do but I don't know how to fix any of it. With the job market in the toilet here in Central Florida I'm ecstatic I have a job let alone one that pays better. The same goes for my hubby. While he's succeeding more at poker, he hasn't had the break-through yet that would help us. So the houses problems wait. The roof, the cracking exterior, the peeling paint, the kitchen, bathrooms, the back yard full of weeds rather than plants - it stays.

And when you reach my age you should be getting fertility treatments - but there's no funds for that. And what money is there to adopt, as if an agency would approve us.

Frustration. Most of my friends have their families complete, they are on the rise financially. Doing projects, going on trips.

I know this is a lot of bitching and I really do have plenty to be greatful for. I have a loving husband. A great family and some great friends. I am employed. And I have taken leadership roles within my church that has helped me connect with others and given me lots to do. I do have a home, food to eat and other creature comforts that makes me look rich compared to many around the world.

But there are those nagging thoughts in my brain. When are things going to work out? So I can stop spending my Saturdays puttering around my house alone because there's no money to do projects and I don't want to use expensive gas to get out. Will I ever have children? Or will be I that old lady doating on everyone elses kids?

So much to do and I still don't know how.

Audacious Dreams - I'm All In

Once again I was reading a book, this one by Trent Hamm, the blogger of the Simple Dollar. He wrote that when you dream you should dream audaciously. Audacious is defined as being bold, brave and without fear. To go all the way in your dreams and desires. Or in poker terms, go all in.

This struck a cord with me. I often read that you should structure your dreams into smaller portions so they are more realisitic. But having big dreams and taking big risks can pay off. You can also fail big. And that's OK because at least you tried.

So now I need a list of these audacious dreams and figure out how to reach them. Living so safe isn't the way of my life anymore.

Habit Forming

On the urging of my boss, I started reading Twyla Tharp's book The Creative Habit. I've only read 2 chapters but I've already been reminded that in order to be good at what you love to do you must practice. You must make a habit out of it.

So I must write more. Much more.

I need to write about everything and anything I can. Daily preferably.

So back I come to my old friend, Sarah Says.... I've had this blog since 2004. I come and go. But I must bd more consistent. I must work harder at my craft.
I'm in. I can't wait to read more of Twyla's book.

Are you ready? I am.

No cable? No Problem.

This past spring hubby and I gave up our cable. We now use one of those digital converter boxes and antennas. I thought I'd have nothing to watch. Actually, I think we've watched more quality programming than before. PBS (there are now five of them we can watch - there is seven actually but one is in Spanish and one is the state Legislative channel) has become a mainstay. Between all the concerts, travel, cooking, gardening, home improvement, nature and documentaries we are covered. There are even two 24-hour weather channels.

There's only one show I miss, watching the Rays on TV. But, there's always the radio. What it comes down to is that when we had a hundred channels there were many times when there was nothing on. So now I don't feel bad when there is nothing on as it costs me nothing. Bonus? I'm reading more often.

Analyze This!

I been spending lots of time learning the ins and outs of SEO (Search Engine Optimization) and SMO (Social Media Optimization) as we delve into Web 2.0 at work.

It's been fun. It also reminded me how much fun over the years I've had with my blog. When I started this thing back in July 2003 I never imagined I'd be here still writing on it. Heck - who knew if blogs would still exist in 2010. Change is constant on the social web.

This blog has been a place I've shared by joys and sorrows as well as many of my hopes and dreams. It has allowed me to be creative when my job didn't offer much of it. And to stay in touch with friends and family.

So now I'm back looking how to increase my traffic and spread the gospel of social media. Ok, not really. There are plenty of people out there talking about social media. I still want to talk about myself and what I am thinking about.

Now if I can get my Google account to stop acting like a teenager, shutting the door to my account when I want to use it. Some things in life are harder than others.

I'm Mad. Pissed off.

It's been tough reading and seeing the video and pictures of the oil washing up on the beautiful beaches of the panhandle of Florida.

These were pristine areas.

Here in Florida we didn't agree to have drilling off the coast for this reason. So much we have here is based on tourism. People coming here taking vacations to see our beautiful coasts and waters. Swim, fish, enjoy the beauty.

I'm really worried we have managed to ruin miles and miles of lovely coast. Along with all of the animals that are gone. I saw tonight we might lose blue fin tuna because of this spill. Did you know 3 out of 5 sea turtle species are found in the Gulf of Mexico? They are dying quickly.

For you who are in different parts of the country or world you too should be mad. We, the American people, have caused this with our desires for more and more oil rather than using less and demanding the use of technologies that can move us towards less and less oil dependence. Drill baby drill? Really?

I'm mad. I am pissed off. This is my home and I can't believe some foreign company could be so careless with people's livelihoods and our environment which is so precious.

Bon Appetit!

I finished reading Appetite for Life, The Biography of Julia Child by Noel Riley Fitch. What a fantastically interesting woman Julia was. The public persona we think of with her teaching french dishes on PBS to the masses was only a part of her. In fact, she didn't get famous until she was about 50. I loved reading about her marriage to Paul Child. They loved each other tremendously and made each other successful. When he died in the book, I was very sad as I could only image how she must have felt.

I empathized with her as she was never able to have children and that would be her only regret at the end of her life. I wonder if I could move on with life and grab it by the horns as she was able to - to find so many ways that brought her joy and meaning.

Her young adult life in the service to this country was so fascinating. As this book was published before the government released that she was a spy it was more exciting.

The book was dry at times and there is a LOT of french food not defined but the story was compelling and I have a new appreciation for a woman that was often parodied as a smart, hard-working, joyous woman who revolutionized food television and the cookbook industry.

Disappointment

I'm very upset. Reading about how the Pope might have known and chosen NOT do anything about pedophile priests years ago. There is no excuse that anyone would turn their back on children being hurt in such terrible ways. If this is true I think he should step down.

This type of thing is really getting out of control and all the Church can do to move forward is to institute a policy that anyone involved in or sanctioning anyone involved with, should be removed from pastoral care immediately. I don't care who you are.

Sad. So sad. It's time we gain the trust of those within our own flocks by saying this is not acceptable. It is acceptable.

What I learned...

I was unemployed for more than six months in the past year. I saw more episodes of TV shows than I care to admit. I stayed in my PJ's many a day. I wrote and sent probably 100 resumes and cover letters - maybe more! I cried, I yelled, I was depressed. Now that I've got a new job to start I've reflected on the past year.

Losing your job once, let alone two times in one year is a blow to ones ego. I had thought I was important to my work places. Nah. They moved on without me.

So here are some of what I've learned in the past year:

1. Nothing stays the same. Flexibility is important to survive these tough times. It will serve you well in life.
2. It isn't personal, but it is. Most likely it was a financial decision that caused me to lose my job and many others who are in the same boat. But at the same time, it is deeply personal to the person it is effecting. For those who know the unemployed, understand that. They most likely are mad, sad, pissed, mortified, devastated. You can't know until it happens to you.
3. It's OK to ask for help. It's hard to get a job. Especially now. You need to tell everyone you know you are out of work. Asking others for help getting the work out, passing along your resume, looking at your resume, giving a reference or just listening to you.
4. Be good to yourself. Eat well, exercise, go to local parks, visit friends and family, read those books you've been meaning to and anything else that can bring you joy. There are so many things you can do for little or no money, look for them! Being happier will make you a better job candidate.

Park Tour 2010

The cold weather has left Florida with many brown/dead plants. But the warm weather has returned and the outdoors called to me when I suggested to my sister Laura we spend the afternoon in a local park.

We decided on Philippe Park in Safety Harbor. It's the oldest park in the county that is situated on the northwest coast of Tampa Bay. It has a little bit of everything: beaches, extensive tree canopy, mangroves, historic landmarks, wildlife and stunning views of the bay.
View from south boardwalk across bay - Photo: Laura Knupke-Coe

View along beach - Photo: Laura Knupke-Coe

We learned that the park's namesake, Odette Philippe, had a plantation there. He also introduced grapefruit and cigars to the area. We also learned there were native Americans living there, the Tocobaggas. There is a large Indian mound at the park that has wonderful views.

What makes this park different is the beach accesses at the south end of the park. Where a car, sometimes two, can park and a short walk through the parted mangroves you find quiet beaches.

My sister noted so many people spend so much time trying to explore the world so few take the time to explore the cool areas around where they live. I agreed. Here in central Florida there are so many beautiful natural areas and this one was 15 minutes from my house. Good reminder that with very little money and with a little free time, you can have a really great afternoon.

From Our Home to Yours - Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!
I can't believe another Christmas is upon us. It just seemed like yesterday we were ringing in 2009.
This hasn't been the easiest year for me. But losing two jobs has really helped me reconnect with myself and to figure out who I want to be. How I want to spend my time. It reminded me work is just that, work, not life, not defining who I am. It has also helped my husband and I realize how precious your health is and not to squander it. We have rededicated ourselves to taking care of ourselves. He'll be running a marathon before you know it!

So in the end, 2009 has been a blessing. We are focused and happy.
So as we celebrate this special day we wish you peace and happiness and blessings for 2010.

Hallomas - Wha?

I love the holidays. There, I said it. I love Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. I love the smells, the lights, the Christmas trees, presents under the tree, Midnight Mass, singing the songs and counting down to midnight of a New Year.

What I don't like is the blurring of the holiday lines. That the holidays have been corrupted by retailers and them deciding when the Christmas season begins - the day after Halloween I believe it seems to be. That a time for family and friends is now a time for spending money.

I want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving. A day to spend with my family where I can be reminded of all I have been given and how thankful I need and should be. And then enjoy advent - the period leading up the Christmas. Then Christmas Eve and then Christmas. And in my faith, Christmas doesn't end on Dec. 26 but continues into January. And then it's New Years Eve and New Years. Each day is special in itself.

And that's what I think is a serious problem how we as people seem to wish away days. I can't wait until this or that. When the kid can walk or talk, when they are in kindergarten, when I lose weight, when I get a promotion, when I get a job, when I get married...etc. We need to enjoy each day as you don't get to do it twice. And by starting Christmas at Halloween I think it's a form of wishing days away.

So folks, enjoy each day. Don't wish it away. Every day is special. You can never get it back.

One Step Forward

Americans don't like to wait - for anything. We love fast food, fast cars, express lanes, 10-minute hair color, instant-read thermometers, quick oil changes and instant mash potatoes. This is also true when it comes to making changes in our lives. We want immediate results.
I've struggled with my weight for years. I don't think I was ever a skinny person. Always what one could call plump and increasing to obese in my adult years. It look me a while to get to where I was. I know that it will take a while to get to a more normal size.
I'm being realistic.
I am re-learning about eating and changing my relationship with it. Learning that exercise can be fun and rewarding and how to integrate moving more throughout my day. Whether it is gardening, cleaning house, taking a walk during my lunch hour, or even dancing around the house while listening to music.
I'm down from my all-time high 46 1/2 pounds and then I stagnated for a year. Now I've renewed my commitment.
I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, but I am working to make sure I am smaller than I am now. And most important that I won't gain it back - ever. By eating whole foods, prepared in delicious and healthy ways and moving more. Really it is simple. It's me making a choice and sticking with it.

Ups and Downs and In Betweens

2009 hasn't been my best year.
It started well. I had hopes of a promotion, financially we were starting to turn the corner and I was slowly, but consistently losing weight.
All of that changed on February 11 when I was laid-off from my job. I spiraled down into a depression as my unemployment continued into May and then June and into the beginning of July. I didn't know what to do. I finally got a job in July, thank goodness due of the kindness of an old friend who needed help. It's not my dream job, I don't get to write, but it's helping to pay the bills.
You'd think all the extra time I had on my hands I would have had the chance to lose even more weight and get my house in order. None of that happened. I stagnated and my house remained a mess. I'm pretty sure it was denial. It was easier to hide behind my computer and watch afternoon talk shows.
I haven't written on my blog for a long time because I didn't think I had anything to say. Everytime I started, I deleted it because it was consistently depressing and had a whiny tone so I just stopped trying.
Recently I've had an upswing, by my choice. I've accepted a leadership position at church over a new committee. I've started projects around the house and exercise is making a come-back.
I've decided it's time to stop letting my circumstances rule my life and to be thankful for all I do have - A strong and happy marriage,a great family, friends I can count on, a home to come home to, food on my table, my health and a future.
So welcome back to Sarah Says...I have a lot to say.

Trying to Write..

I'm feeling all out of practice. I haven't written anything outside of cover letters since June. I'm trying to write a simple one-page explainer for the parish council at my church. My lede is great and then it putters out as I continue. Something that should be so simple is proving to be really hard.

I'm worried. Worried that I'm losing what I worked really hard over the past few years to craft to learn. I feel like I'm losing that creative side.

Some may thing I'm being dramatic. I don't. These are valid feelings. I just don't like knowing where or how I'm moving forward in the future. I'm just feel like I'm losing myself little by little.

Saying Goodbye to a Friend

Today I said goodbye to an old friend. I've know Patti since I was in middle school. She says that she helped me open my locker in gym, I don't remember when we met, only that she was easily my best friend. We spent hours together on the phone, sleeping over at each others homes, talking about crushes, singing, dancing, telling each other our hopes and dreams - everything.

After high school we kinda lost track of each other. We saw each other every now and again. Finally we hooked up again and I met the woman she fell in love with.

Now she is moving out west with her wife and I have to say I'm sad. This is the person I grew up with. Whom I shared so many memories. But she is starting her life anew in a new state and I hope her the best. I also hope that when our finances get back on track we can visit her in Colorado.

So Patti, here's to you and all the great memories. Thank you for being my friend.

Excuses and more excuses

It's amazing how many excuses a person can come up with not to do something that is difficult. I'm tired, it's too hot outside, I'll look funny, I don't own a sports bra, it will make me uncomfortable and think about bad memories and I can re-start the diet tomorrow.

It seems like that's been my life for the past few years. A bunch of excuses why I hadn't advanced further in my career, why my weight-loss plateaued at 45 pounds,why my garage is still over-flowing with crap, my my closets are overflowing with crap and why I have done nothing to my backyard in five years.

I'm tired of excuses.

I'm tired of people asking me what's new and having very little to report. I'm tired of saying to myself tonight I'm going to..or this weekend I'm going to..and nothing coming of it.

At the end of my life I don't want to be saying if only I had done that. I want to do that. Life is too short. I plan to actually live the one I've got and live it well.

A Great Day for Up

Last Sunday I saw the movie Up. I haven't been to the theater in a long time and it was a real treat.

It was fantastic. Not a children's movie at all, but for me it hit me in a place deep down. I really think you are exposed to things at specific times for a reason. And it was the right time for me to see this movie.

A couple gets married, enjoys life and gets ready to move onto the next step, children. We find out that children aren't in the cards for them and they continue to move on. A childhood dream of the wife is to visit Paradise Falls, somewhere in South America. Due to circumstances they don't make it. After she dies, the man decides it is his mission to go there to live that dream for them.

The movie is about living your life to the fullest, no matter what life brings you, even if it isn't what you or society believes it should be.

As a women in her mid-30s I can feel that. Children haven't happened for me and my husband and may never. While around me babies are being born left and right to family, friends and acquaintances. This is deeply painful. And with no health insurance at this time and no extra money, infertility treatments and adoption are out of the question. And to hear people ask you when you are having kids or hearing them announce they are pregnant can wound deeply. But you have to smile and move on.

I have started coming to terms with living my life to the fullest with or without children. And I have to stop waiting around and be active in my life to bring more meaning to it in other ways. To figure out what God wants for me. So I've been asked to join the Parish Council at my church, a leadership role, and I've accepted. I'll paint the spare room whatever color I want because pink or blue might not be in the cards. I'll take care of my health because I want to live and live well. I'll spoil the children born around me because it's right. And I'll be sensitive to others who are dreaming of children but haven't achieved it. Because it's a personal thing and no one has the right to make you feel unworthy, less of a woman or a man. And it's not about them, it's about you and your adventures in life.